A while back we hosted a Pinochle Party at our house on a Saturday night. The next day we had our boys over for dinner. There was a lot of house cleaning prior to the Pinochle Party and also some candy that was necessary at all the card tables.
One of those represents chores that I like to avoid and the other represents opportunities to graze on treats left behind. Good things and bad things by my way of thinking. Remember in this house you need to take special care with those things you think might be good and those you know are going to be bad.
On Monday I felt ill all day long. Not ill like on vacation but weak and out of it kind of ill with an upset stomach and little or no energy to do anything. The untrained eye would most likely interpret what they saw as a man who was very lazy. I spent the day just lying around and practiced my napping skills.
On Tuesday I felt much better than the day before. That evening I felt so much better I even attempted to tease my wife about the candy that she had left on my workbench after the Pinochle Party. The candy had been spotted on Sunday afternoon and I suspected she had put it there before the boys came over for dinner.
My wife does not leave candy out any longer; this is one of the changes I have noticed since her weight loss. So whenever I am able to find candy lying about it is either an oversight on her part or part of some more sinister master plan. I have become less concerned about the sinister things in my life these past years and now spend more time thinking about the good luck I am having. A stash of candy wrapped in a towel on my workbench must mean she was trying to hide it but became distracted and forgot what she was doing, never to return to the stash. Yes overworking the wife can lead to benefits.
Remember in this house you need to take special care with those things you think might be good and those you know are going to be bad.
I was feeling better on Tuesday and knew I should not continue eating the forgotten candy. After all she is either going to remember she left it on the workbench or see her towel on the workbench and discover the candy again. Either way I am going to get into trouble for eating the candy or for having the towel on my workbench. The best defense is offense. I determined to do what most any other man should have done I try to tease my wife about leaving her candy stash on my workbench.
This next part is where things get a little fuzzy. As I begin to tease the wife about leaving the candy on my workbench she has a strange look on her face. I am unable to tell if it is a quiet satisfaction or that look you have just after you lock the door to your car and remember where the keys are.
“Candy” she says “You didn’t eat it did you?” This may mean several things. She was saving it for another occasion, she wanted it for herself, and she didn’t think I should eat it. You get the picture, it could have meant almost anything, but I know it doesn’t mean something good.
That’s when I learned that after mopping the floor, the mop bucket was put next to the freezer, which is next to the door in garage. The candy was then put on top of the freezer when she was getting ready for the boys to come over on Sunday. Through some action taken with intent or carelessness the candy fell into the bucket, was quickly scooped out and laid on a towel to dry.
Was this part of a master plan? It is much too soon to tell. Was I wrong to eat the candy? Are you kidding me I am always wrong. Did she just attempt to poison me knowing I would eat the candy? No, this couldn’t be possible. Just remember my wife loves me and would never do anything bad to me. But, if you see candy lying around in this house, only eat the stuff that is dry and already wrapped like it came from the factory.
The Truth: (as she see’s it)
Ok, I still have little self-control where chocolate is involved, so I put the candy out at the last minute before Pinochle guests arrived that Saturday night. I put the opened bags of wrapped candy in a big plastic bag and put it right outside the door on top the freezer in the garage. Of course the freezer can be a little warm on top, so I tossed the bag on top of a stack of Costco paper plates that was conveniently there in case I needed more before the evening was over. Oh no, the bag of candy slipped right off and splashed into the mop bucket, which, strangely enough, even though I had helpfully left it conveniently right outside the door in expectation that my wonderful husband would see it and immediately take it outside and empty it for me, because he has earned a very high expectation level from me, well, unbelievably, that bucket was still sitting there full of dirty water. If I do say so, my reaction time is lightening fast where possible damage to chocolate is involved. I snatched that bag out of the bucket instantly, but a few bags as well as some individually wrapped pieces of candy fell into the water. I grabbed a towel and wrapped the candy to sort out and deal with later. Much later. So you see, once again, it really wasn’t my fault.